A Response to Vogue's "Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?"

By: Rashida Ashley

A Cultural Moment: #ishavingaboyfriendembarrassingnow

Most of us have seen the recent Vogue article, Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?, and the conversations that followed. I have watched the clips on TikTok where women share their stories and celebrate their freedom by dancing through the streets. The idea of being single has become a symbol of empowerment, a reclamation of womanhood that was once shamed or dismissed.

Yet as I read the article and listened to the praise surrounding it, a quiet question rose within me. Can a single dark skinned Black woman finally be seen as a woman now?

Before some may argue that no issue exists, I offer my own experiences as reference. These are moments that have stayed with me from childhood through adulthood, shaping how I see myself and how the world has chosen to see me.

A High School Experience

When I was in highschool working as a Supervisor in my neighborhood dollar store, a caucasian couple came into my store. After grabbing their needed items they approached me at the cash register. I was happy to help as anyone who enjoyed their job would. By the tailend of their transaction the woman said to me, "Have a good day sir,"without any look of embarrassment of the misuse of my gender. Even the man she was with looked at her in confusion as I was clearly a breasted woman at her highschool age.

Professional Encounters

Flash forward to my second example. I had become acquainted with a black man from New Orleans who was derived from the LGBTQ community who, because of certain circumstances, I had no choice but to interact with for a wide range of time. On different occasions, he said things along the line to me of my being of low rank and at the bottom of the food chain due to my being a black woman, and even called me a man infront of others. He even went as far to say that I would end up alone.

Another example. A woman who I also had no choice but to interact with on several occasions who was both black and white but white passing, and was hungry for a guy on his way up in his career had asked the question, "Why would you want to be with her?" She also said something along the lines of how it was better for him to be with a white woman. The man she had said this to, a black man, thought about what she said and eyed her with sweet interest.

My final most recent example. I worked at a restaurant for some time as a hostess. A group of young white men approached my stand for their reservation. As I checked them in and gave them their wristbands, one referred to me as sir after confirming my questions then jokingly apologized with a smug look on his face. I could only respond by saying, "I can assure you, I am a woman." To which he responded, "I'm sure you are."

“Healing is universal. So is art.”

The Weight of Color and Womanhood

Most woman right now are celebrating this article. Yet, after reading it I see it as a slap in the face although it is written by a black woman. Even seeing the picture selected to represent it I can't help to wonder exactly who we are talking to as readers. Reading it feels like back in the day when a black woman such as myself was made fun of for having big lips, now it seems that almost every woman is striving to have big lips and be single, at least online. Whereas someone such as myself couldn't hope to have a chance otherwise.

Beyond the Trend: What Love Should Mean

The article, Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? references Stephanie Yeboah who states, "...there is a part of me that would also feel guilty for sharing my partner constantly-especially when we know the dating landscape is really bad at the moment." For someone like me, the dating landscape has been unmistakenably cruel, even with the mistakes I myself have admitedly made as I've grown older. I've had men tell me flat out that they wouldn't date me because of the color of my skin, my intelligence, my size, and more no matter their background, and whether the feelings were there or not.

"Being partnered doesn't affirm your womanhood anymore, it is no longer considered an achievement, and, if anything, it's become more of a flex to pronounce yourself single." While I do admire this article, let's not make this a new 'trend,' for a short moment in time. Let's use this as an opportunity to redefine what love should look like whether heterosexual or not and whether we are representing our relationships online or inperson or are in the process of choosing a partner.

Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now? Naturally, I have my personal views on what love should look like inspite of financial status, skin color, and even sexuality. Of course this will always be up for debate. Yet, my point is, can a dark skinned black woman finally be seen as a woman now? Can we finally have that happen for us, and let it not be a small trend where we go back to being viewed as a man by people of our own cultures and outside of it? Can this not just be about white women?

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